Can i not drive my cunt home
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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