This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
