How'd it feel making her break her religion?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
