Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
