What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
