i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
