I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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