cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
