Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
