I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
