barbara walters just said penis...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
