There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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