my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
