I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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