my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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