I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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