I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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