Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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