I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
