The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
