my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
