He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
