Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
