I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
