I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize