I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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