So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
