ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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