$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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