i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
