Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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