I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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