She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
