I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
