life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
