i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
