theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
