Me too!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
