I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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