Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
