We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
