There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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