So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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