I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
