I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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