garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
