And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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