not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
