Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
