someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize