I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
