Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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