i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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