Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
