Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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