he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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