Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
