I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
