Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
