Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
