I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
