I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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