I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
