If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
