well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
