You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
