well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
