R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
